The Cullen Adventures
by Bellarie
Summary: Bella is sick, and spends the weekend at the Cullen's house. Everyone is always busy, so they each take turns taking care of her. This is a story full of laughter and adventures! Please Review!
1. Emmet Makes Bella Soup

Emmet waved goodbye to Carlisle and then turned to the fridge to start reading the assortment of post-it-notes from Edward (Instructing him how to take care of Bella), Alice (Instructing him on what clothing is appropriate for Bella to leave the house in

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Unfortunately, I own nothing but my original story, and Stephenie Meyer owns all the good stuff! ****( ****well please review and maybe give me some ideas for the next chapter! D **

Emmet waved goodbye to Carlisle and then turned to the fridge to start reading the assortment of post-it-notes from Edward (Instructing him how to take care of Bella), Alice (Instructing him on what clothing is appropriate for Bella to leave the house in) Esme (Instructing Emmet on safety) and Rosalie (Love notes).

Emmet pulled one of Edward's notes off the fridge and it said "Don't You Dare Wake Bella Up! Make Bella soup when she is hungry." Emmet walked over to the cupboard, pulled open the door and looked at the assortment of cans. He decided to go with Chicken Noodle, because he knew Bella liked Chicken. He grabbed the can from the bottom of the pile and suddenly they all fell on his toe! He started to yell in pain and then clamped his hand over his mouth remembering Edward's warning not to wake Bella up.

He picked up all the dented cans hopping on one foot. After he finally put them all away (but not without a few accidents along the way!) he squinted at the instructions on the side of the can and read "Open can with Can Opener." Emmet walked over to the drawer and pulled on the handle but it was stuck. He pulled harder and then the handle broke off! Emmet growled under his breath and pulled on the sides of the drawer with so much force he fell and the drawer went flying past him and into the wall scattering it's contents all over the room. Emmet swearing under his breath stood up to clean the mess, slipped on a spoon and hit his head on the wall. He looked at the wall that now sported a huge dent and whimpered, thinking of Esme's reaction.

Emmet stood up and looked at the assortment of cooking utensils on the floor, and decided that he would make Bella's soup before sorting them into their proper places. He went into the cupboard and found a garbage bag, then threw all the cooking utensils into it. Then Emmet picked up the soup can to read what to do. "Open can with Can Opener." he read, and then looked around and realized that he had put the can opener in the garbage bag with the other cooking utensils. Emmet growled and then shoved his head into the bag too look for it, but the can opener was nowhere to be seen. Emmet then realized that the can opener was in a different drawer then he had first thought.

Now trying to contain his anger, he walked over to the proper drawer and carefully pulled it open. Emmet looked down and then winced, then stuck his hand in the drawer full of sharp steak knives and began digging around for the can opener. He finally pulled it out, and then grumbling under his breath about "why would a person even put a can opener in the knife drawer?" and then slammed the drawer shut, causing Carlisle's original Leonardo de Vinci painting to fall. Emmet caught the painting and then decided that he would re-hang it later. He stuck it into the garbage bag with the cutlery in it and then picked up the can opener. Emmet was about to put the can opener against the can, when he realized that the blade was dull.

Exasperated, Emmet tried to figure out a way to sharpen the blade, when he looked at the clock. He realized that his favorite morning cartoon was on, and turned on the t.v. with a huge grin. He saw a commercial about kitchen knives, and got an idea. Emmet got one of the steak knives and began sharpening the blade, just as his cartoon started.

30 minutes later...

The cartoon ended, and Emmet looked down just in time to see himself deliver the final stroke that cut the table in half. He realized that while he had been "sharpening" the blade on the can opener, he had been distracted and ended up cutting through the table! Whimpering at the thought of what Esme was going to do to him, he tried putting the table halves back together. It didn't work.

Now wondering how he would be able to open the can, Emmet thought of using the knife he held in his hand. With great determination he shoved the knife into the can and popped off the lid showering himself and the kitchen with cold soup. Emmet read the next direction on the can "Pour soup into medium sized bowl for one serving. If the bowl is not full you may need to add some more soup."

Emmet pulled a "Medium sized bowl" (in his mind anyway!) out of the cupboard, but because of wet soup on the handle, he pulled a bit harder then intended and the door ended half way off it's hinges. Resigned that today was not going to be a good day, Emmet poured the can into the bowl, realizing that it was not close to filling the bowl he proceeded to empty 10 more cans into the bowl, in various flavors. He then read the next instructions "Put bowl into Microwave, on high, for 1:30." "Wow," Emmet said, "Human food sure takes a long time to cook!" And then put the bowl in for 1 hour and 30 minutes.

"Well, what can I do to pass the time?" he asked himself. Emmet walked into the living room and noticed Jasper's cell phone on the table. With a diabolical grin he picked it up, randomly chose some one on the contact list and then proceeded to send them a long rude e-mail. As he clicked send, his cell phone began to beep and he opened it. "One new message!" it beeped at him. Emmet clicked on the message and then read the long rude e-mail that he had just spent 15 minutes sending from Jasper's phone. Growling, he grabbed Jasper's phone and stomped on it like a little kid. He looked down and then looked away, thinking of the pain that Jasper was going to cause him.

To earn brownie points, Emmet decided to do some of Jasper's chores like taking out the garbage. He grabbed the bag from the kitchen doorway, and then the kitchen garbage can. Emmet wandered back into the kitchen and decided to read Esme's notes on safety, as he read them he became more and more concerned, they all told him things like: "Remember, the cutlery drawer sticks so don't pull too hard!" and "The can opener has disposable blades, so it doesn't need to be sharpened!" Emmet grew more and more depressed, and then he finally reached the last note, which read: "Remember Emmet, 1:30 means one minute and 30 seconds!" He looked up panicked, just in time to see the microwave blow up all over the kitchen!

As Emmet sat there fuming, covered in soup, Bella came downstairs. "What was that huge...WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!" she asked. Emmet moaned, "I might as well start cleaning up." he said. Then he looked around panicked, because he couldn't find the garbage bag with Esme's prized 100 year old spoon collection, or Carlisle's De Vinci Painting. "Where, WHERE DID IT GO?!" he screamed, "WHERE'S MY GARBAGE BAG??" "You mean that bag that the Garbage Truck just drove away with?" Bella asked innocently. Emmet looked at Bella and then began banging his head against the door. His head then went through the door, just in time to see Esme, Carlisle, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice and Edward coming up the front walk.


	2. The Emmet Aftermath

The Emmet Aftermath

AUTHOR'S NOTE: WOW! Thanks so much you guys, for the great reviews, and the favorites! I was really surprised, at how well my first attempt at a story was appreciated! This chapter wasn't originally planned, but I added it because it is kind of necessary, because it tells what happens between the other chapters. Well I hope you still enjoy it! And once again I own nothing but my original ideas, and Stephenie Meyer owns all the good things! Please review, and any ideas for the next chapter, about Alice and Esme, will be greatly appreciated! : D

"Emmet?" Rosalie asked, an amused look on her face. "Not that you don't look handsome, but why exactly is your head in our door?" Before he could reply, Alice fell down, shaking with laughter. "Emmettt's's in Troouuublllee!" she sang out. Edward then fell down with laughter too, after reading Alice's mind, and the two continued rolling on the ground. With exasperated sighs, Esme and Carlisle helped Emmet to pull his head out of the door, revealing behind him, a very confused Bella.

The whole family trooped into the house, followed by Edward and Alice, who were still shaking with laughter. Emmet didn't let anyone past the front hall though. As he stood in front of the doorway, Edward said with a grin on his face, "You know we can get past you Emmet. You aren't the only vampire!" "Oh yeah," Said Emmet, looking disappointed. He scratched his head, and then moved aside. "I guess I better let you see then, hey?"

Esme closed her eyes, with a painful look on her face and then stepped into the kitchen followed closely by Carlisle. "EMMET!" they both screamed, Emmet's face turned even whiter. "WHERE THE HELL IS MY PAINTING EMMET?! GOD DAMN IT THAT WAS AN EFFING ORIGINAL!! I WATCHED HIM PAINT IT!" Carlisle yelled, "EMMET, MY SILVERWEAR COLLECTION! THAT WAS USED BY QUEEN ELIZABETH I!! Screamed Esme. Emmet's eyes grew and he ran out of the house screaming "GARBAGE TRUCK MAN!! WAIT! WAIT!"

Bella had been watching Edward and Alice with great amusement, and then she finally figured out what was so funny. With a snort of laughter she joined Alice and Edward on the floor. Suddenly Edward sprang up, his eyes serious, "Bella! You're condition! To bed! At once!" and he picked her up and carried her back upstairs, ignoring her protests that she was fine, followed by an amused Alice.

Meanwhile, Jasper and Rosalie had made their way into the living room, and discovered the remains of his cell phone. As Rosalie collapsed overcome by the hilarity of the situation, Jasper screamed "EMMET I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" and ran out after him.

10 minutes later… Bella's Room

The entire family, minus Carlisle (he was called away by the hospital) and Jasper and Emmet (Whereabouts unknown), sat around Bella's bed. "Well, I kind of guessed that having Emmet look after Bella wouldn't work out too well." Mused Esme, with a small smile. "Really!" Bella protested, "I only have a Cold! I don't need to be looked after!" "Bella shut up!" growled Edward lovingly, "We could take turns," He suggested. "I can take Sunday morning." I get today!" called Alice excitedly, "We're going to have so much fun!" Bella groaned. "Well I can take this afternoon" Said Esme. "Alright," Agreed Rosalie, "And that leaves me with Sunday afternoon." Everyone agreed and then set off for their separate activities

"Oh Bella!" exclaimed Alice, "You will never believe the day of fun that I have planned for us!" "No I bet I couldn't," said Bella with an apprehensive look on her face. "Alice, what exactly _are_ we doing today?" "Oh _you'll see_!" she replied. "I hate it when you say that." Muttered Bella under her breath.


	3. Alice Shops Till Bella Drops

AUTHORS NOTE: Wow

**AUTHORS NOTE: Wow! Thanks so much for the wonderful reviews guys! Way to make me want to keep writing! Special thanks go to eamc06 for the correction of my spelling error… ops! :) And of course to Bellarinaa my Best Friend Forever who I love to death! She has help inspire me and given me many good ideas! THANK YOU HUNN! Once again Stephanie Meyer owns all the good stuff (a.k.a. Edward) that I wish I owned (Once again a.k.a. Edward ) Please review! **

Alice ran downstairs leaving a very scared Bella alone to think about what Alice's plans were. Bella looked around, trying to think of a way to escape, her eyes stopped on the window, and she gulped. She stood up and walked over to the window, to see how far down the drop would be, just in time to see Alice climb up the wall with ease (a feat Bella would never be able to achieve) and padlock the window. Alice tapped her head and screamed the words while miming "I" she pointed to herself, "CAN SEE" pointing to her eyes "THE FUTURE" and pointed into the distance. Panicked, Bella looked around trying to figure out how Alice was holding on to the wall, and finding no logical explanation she sat down on her bed.

"Stupid Vampires!" Bella muttered. "I HEARD THAT" Yelled Alice, appearing out of nowhere. "Alice!" Bella winced, "You're inside, _right next to me_! You **do not** have to scream!" "Oh yea, I forgot!" she said. "Anyways how about we- Ahahahahaha!" and with that Alice fell on the floor rolling with laughter. "Oh my god Alice, no, not today! I'm sick, remember?!" cried Bella, In a voice filled with terror, and with that she sprung up from the bed and ran out of the room. "Oooh! Hide and Go Seek, I'm it!" yelled Alice joyfully, much like a child in kindergarten would. "I'll run as slow as a human and everything, and won't use my powers, much!" and with that she began counting. "1…2…3…4…5…"

Meanwhile…

Bella ran frantically through the house, trying to remember the secret passageways that Edward had spent so many hours educating her about. She ran into the closet with a blue door and then pushed past the many layers of coats until she reached the back of the closet. She the ran her fingers along the wall until she felt a crack. With as much strength as she could muster Bella pulled the door open, and then started climbing up the ladder, pulling the door closed behind her. She climbed into the vent and then began crawling.

Back in Bella's Room…

"995…996…997…998…999…1000! Bellala!! I'm coming to get you!" Alice cackled. Suddenly her phone beeped,

BellaSwan: "OMG ALICE, how much sugar have YOU had today?"

AliceCullen: "haha none my Bella Boo! I'm just EXCITED because of what we are going to do today! Now stop trying to distract meee! Once I find you we are off to the MALL!"

BellaSwan: "For the LAST and FINAL time Alice, under no circumstances will I go shopping with you! No person has ever or will ever be able to make me go if I don't want to!"

AliceCullen: "But I'm a V A M P I R E… not HUMAN!!"

BellaSwan: "God Help ME. Please Alice… NO!"

BellaSwan: "Alice?"

BellaSwan: "ALICE?!"

**-AliceCullen has signed off-**

Bella continued crawling through the vent, even though she knew if was useless. She reached a crossroad and went right knowing that was the fastest way out of the vents, and she also knew that once Alice made her mind to do something it would happen. Resistance was futile and it's always better to go peacefully. Bella reached the end of the vent and climbed down the stairs, opened the trap door and walked right into Alice's waiting arms. "I WIN!" Alice shouted gleefully, "and my prize is… SHOPPING!!" Bella sighed, and realizing there was no way out of it and grabbed her coat. "You know, most **normal** people **like** shopping!" said Alice. "Well I want to become a vampire Alice," said Bella dryly "I'm not normal."

Inside the mall Alice decided that she was going to give Bella a makeover, and took her up to the hair saloon, where Bella received a 100.00 hair cut. After the stylist finished cutting, Bella looked into the mirror and commented "Alice, we just spent one hundred dollars, and my hair looks **exactly** the same." "They are called **layers**!" Alice replied rolling her eyes, and then shared a knowing glance with the hairdresser, apologizing "As you can see she doesn't get out much!"

As the pair walked out of the saloon they saw Emmett run by soaking wet, barefoot, wearing a skirt, and covered with makeup. He was closely followed by Jasper, whose face was also covered with makeup, he was covered with various vibrant colors of paint, and missing his shirt and a shoe. "Hey Bella, Hey Alice!" gasped Emmett, waving as he ran by. Jasper skidded to a stop, gave his wife a kiss on the cheek, roared "EMMETT CULLEN I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!" and then chased after him. Alice shook her head and then said "Alright Bella, now it's time to find you the perfect outfit! Let's start with your lingerie!"

5 hours, 50 shops, 7 lingerie sets, 8 skirts, 3 pairs of jeans, 5 pairs of shorts, 9 dresses, 21 tops, 27 pairs of shoes, and dozens of accessories later, an exhausted Bella and a satisfied Alice walked to her car, drawing the attention of many bystanders. Alice was carrying so many shopping bags that her small body was almost completely covered. She somehow managed to fit all the shopping bags into her tiny car and then dropped Bella and her many shopping bags off at the house and into Esme's waiting arms. Then she announced "Now I'm off to do some **actual** shopping, not the **baby** stuff I have to do with Bella!" and drove off with a cherry wave.

Bella walked up the stairs and settled into her bed ready for a nice long nap. She had just closed her eyes when she heard the door open and then Esme walked in. "So what can I do for you?" Esme asked, "Do you need water? Juice? Tea? Crackers? Soup? Another Blanket? More Pillows? A Hat? A Scarf?" Bella had a feeling that the list was only going to continue, so she interrupted "Esme, It's the middle of summer, of course I am in no need of a hat or scarf. All I really want is to take a nap please." "Oh, alright!" Esme agreed, "Do you mind if I sit in this room and knit? I want to be here if you need anything!" "It's fine…" said Bella sleepily, and closed her eyes. Esme stealthily took Bella's measurements and then began knitting, following the designs Alice had created.

3 hours later…

Esme put down her knitting needles and smiled, looking at the pile of winter clothes she had made for Bella. She picked them up and stored them in Bella's closet for winter, then went downstairs to wait for the other members of her family, whistling happily, unaware of how soon Bella would be wearing her creations. As she reached the bottom of the stairs she saw Jasper and Emmett, and their disheveled appearances. "Why are you wearing makeup?" she asked, concerned, "You're both **married**, to **women**!"


	4. Emmett goes to the Mall With Jasper!

AUTHORS NOTE: Wow, I'm loving all these great reviews and favorites

**AUTHORS NOTE: Wow, I'm loving all these great reviews and favorites! Sorry about this chapter taking so long, but I couldn't use my computer! Also, I keep getting distracted, by wanting to write other stories! BUT, I promised myself I would finish this one first! ****: D soooo, here we are, another Emmett chapter! I love Emmet, and it's like his misfortunes write themselves! Well I hope you all love this chapter, and Pleeeaase keep up the reviews! **** And thanks again Bellarinaa for you amazing ideas! ILY BFF! **

9 hours earlier…

Emmett ran out of the house screaming "GARBAGE TRUCK MAN!! WAIT! WAIT!" and ran down the road, in the trees so no humans could see him, following the garbage truck to the dump where he could get back Carlisle's and Esme's prized possessions. He watched as the truck dumped the contents, and then as soon as it drove away he began sifting through the disgusting contents.

"EMMETT!" he heard a voice screaming "MY PHONE! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU KILL MY CELL PHONE!?" Emmett gulped, he had forgotten about Jasper. He dumped another bag, just as Jasper arrived. Jasper began chasing Emmett around the garbage hills, and then picked up various sharp objects and began hurling them at Emmett's head. Emmet picked up a piece of wood and used it as a shield, and then at the same time both boys froze, because they realized that Jasper was throwing Esme's cutlery collection, and Emmett was using Carlisle's painting as a shield. "Oh shit," they both said in unison, and then continued with "Shit, Shit! SHIT!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I'M TELLING! NO YOU'RE NOT! IT'S **YOUR FAULT**, SO **I'M TELLING**!" and started wrestling in the smelly, dirty, nasty, yucky garbage. Then they both realized that they were wrestling in smelly, dirty, nasty, yucky garbage and Jasper exclaimed, "**O.M.G**! GROSS EMMETT! Now I'm all covered in garbage and my hair is messed up! And my clothes!"

Emmett rolled his eyes and replied "God Jasper, you are so gay."

"I am NOT gay Emmett" retorted Jasper

"You said O.M.G **instead** of Oh My God." Said Emmett "You are GAY!"

"I know _you_ are but what am _I_?" Yelled Jasper

"I'M NOT GAY!" Yelled Emmett, furious at Jasper "DON'T EVER QUESTION _MY_ _**MANHOOD**_!" "You arreee gaaayyy!" taunted Jasper.

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!

"AM NOT"

"ARE SO"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"Are not!"

"YES I AM"

"Hahahahaha! You just admitted it!" laughed Jasper, pointing at Emmett. "Emmett's gaaayyy! Emmett's gaaayyy!" "I am going to KILL YOU!" roared Emmett and began chasing Jasper. They ran down the roads, Japer frantically looking for some place where he could hide, to escape the wrath of Emmett. He saw the Mall, and ran through the doors closely followed by his brother, who was determined to follow through with his plan of revenge.

Inside the Mall, Jasper ran for the giant crowd of people, hoping to lose Emmett, but his plan backfired as Emmett's bulk had people moving out of his way, faster then Jasper could push them aside. Jasper saw an opening in the crowd and jumped through, but Emmet was on his heels, and tackled him, causing the two to fall into a summersault, and the two rolled through a Ring of Fire. Both boys jumped up screaming, because they had caught on fire, but the crowd laughed, thinking it was part of the fire tamer's act. More then likely that assumption was made because, usually when you catch on fire, you STOP, DROP, AND ROLL. **Not** run around screaming and trying to smack each other. At the same time, Emmett and Jasper saw the fountain, and began running towards it. With a splash they both jumped in, soaking themselves and anyone standing within 50 feet.

Sitting in the fountain, Emmett looked at Jasper, and began laughing because his shirt was so burnt it was falling apart. Jasper smacked him and said, "Shut up Emmett! This is all your fault!" "Nuh uh!" replied Emmett shaking his head. "Yeah huh!" yelled Jasper, "Catch me then, and prove it!" yelled Emmett, and with a satisfied laugh, he jumped out of the fountain and began running.

Emmett sat at the frozen yogurt stand, licking his Strawberry Rainbow Sprinkle Unicorn Sundae, thinking he'd lost Jasper. He got up and began walking, thinking he'd check out the crafts store before heading home, but as he walked through the doors, he suddenly stopped moving. "What the HELL?!" he yelled realizing that he was stuck in Super Sticky Glitter Glue. He fell backwards, and dumped his ice cream all over himself. "Jasper, get **YOUR ASS** back here and **UNSTICK ME** before **I** get out and beat the **SHIT** out of **YOU**!" he bellowed, receiving startled glances from parents with children, before they quickly pulled their child away. Many continued on to say "Now see, _that's why_ I punish you when you act badly, I don't want you to turn out like _that horrid_ _man_!"

Jasper jumped out from behind the door, laughing gleefully. "I got you Emmett! Hahaha!" "Jasper, I am going to **kill** **you**." Said Emmett dangerously "You made me drop my Strawberry Rainbow Sprinkle Unicorn Sundae!" Jasper started dancing, chanting "nah nah nah nah nah! You can't get me!" when suddenly he stopped, and realized that in during his happy dance he had accidentally stepped in his Super Sticky Glitter Glue trap. Jasper whimpered and said "Now Emmett, don't be too hasty!" Emmett growled and stood up, ready to pummel Jasper, when he realized that he felt more of a breeze then he should have on the lower half of his body. He looked backwards and saw that his pants had remained on the ground when he stood up, which meant that he was only standing there in his boxers. Unfortunately for him, they happened to be a pair Rosalie had bought, bright pink silk that said, "Sexy Man" all over them.

"Wow Emmett," snorted Jasper, trying to contain his laughter "Where did you get those lovely boxers?" Emmett reared back and then sank his fist into Jasper's gut, causing him to go flying, but his shoe remained behind. After all, it was **Super Sticky Glitter Glue**. Emmett pulled his feet out of his shoes and jumped out of the sticky mess, sticking his tongue of at a very dazed Jasper before running off.

Emmett ran as fast as he could without attracting attention, which was pretty hard considering he had no pants on. "Hey Sexy Man!" called a couple of high school girls, giggling as they walked past. Emmett looked around for a store where he would be able to purchase a pair of pants, but seeing no "Big and Tall" or "Mr. Big" stores, he was forced to make a purchase that would have him ridiculed for days at the Cullen household. With a resigned sigh, Emmett walked into Miss. Pretty for Big Girls.

Jasper sat on the mall bench, whistling, happy because he had just purchased a replacement phone for the one Emmett had so wonderfully crushed. Luckily for all the girls who passed by, he still hadn't replaced his shirt, and was completely oblivious to all the stares he was receiving, in admiration of his nicely sculpted chest. He got up, and began walking to the nearest exit, which was through the hardware store.

He walked down the aisle and was almost out the door when he realized noticed a color pallet posted by the exit. He looked and realized that the store carried the exact color that Alice wanted to paint her room with, so he walked to the paint aisle and was reaching for the can when he felt something drip on his head. Jasper looked up just in time to see yellow lemon paint come splashing down on his head. "W.T.F!" he yelled and turned around to face lime green come splashing out at him. Jasper tried to escape the oncoming attack of vibrant colors, but it was too much, and finally the floor became so covered in paint that he couldn't move without falling. Finally the paint stopped and Jasper looked up, wiping the paint out of his eyes. Out of the corner of his eye, Jasper saw a huge shadow moving away, and growled "Emmett, of course." He tried to get up to chase after him, but by the time he had managed to get out of the aisle, Emmett was long gone.

--

Emmett knew he was close, he could smell Jasper, but he couldn't see him. He crawled around the perfume display, and then rolled past the makeup counter to the rack of clothes, hiding. Crouched behind a clothing display, he knew that his body was visible, but all he cared about hiding were his hands, which, at the moment were creating a smoke bomb out of powdered eye shadow. Beside him was a sizable amount of other makeup products that he grabbed during his roll past the makeup counter, ready to be used to humiliate Jasper to the best of Emmett's abilities.

Jasper laughed silently, at his brother's feeble attempts to hide himself, thinking "Who in their right mind, would think that a man over 6 feet tall and weighing over 200 pounds, could hide behind a 3 foot clothing display? Well, I'll catch him by surprise." He looked around for something to use and then saw the makeup counter. Jasper crawled along on his stomach, and when he reached the counter he grabbed supplies, then once he returned to his base, behind the bench next to the change rooms, he began creating a plan to humiliate Emmett so badly, that no one would ever forget it

2 hours later…

Both brothers had completed their plans, and were waiting for the other to attack for the past hour, neither one wanted to jeopardize their plan by attacking first. Finally, because he had the patience of a 3-year-old child, Emmett attacked. He jumped up with a roar that would put a lion to shame, and threw a packet down on the ground sending powder up into the air, obstructing Jaspers view. Jasper looked around wildly, trying to predict the next move, when he was hit in the back of his head with something cold. He turned around to see Emmett aiming again with what looked like a giant missile launcher, but by the second glance he realized it was only lotion bottles.

"_**SPLAT!"**_

Jasper was hit full on, in the face, but he recovered faster then Emmett thought he would, flinging nail files like they were darts. As the smoke from Emmett's eye shadow bomb cleared, Jasper shrieked, and then fell down, laughing so hard that he began crying. "Y-you-re wearing a-a- SKIRT!" he snorted gleefully, rolling on the floor. Emmett jumped on him and began trying to stab him in the eyes with a mascara brush, yelling "THEY ONLY HAVE BIG AND TALL STORES FOR WOMEN HERE!" Jasper, who was trying to make Emmett eat lipstick, shoved it into his mouth during the middle of the rant, and Emmett jumped up spitting, then threw another eye shadow smoke bomb. Jasper stood up, trying to rub off the mascara, succeeding in giving himself raccoon eyes. Suddenly Emmett jumped on his back like a monkey, and began smashing his face between two containers of blush. Jasper threw him off, and looked in the mirror. Seeing that his cheeks were now "Very Berry Cherry Red Blush", he decided it was time for some revenge. With expert precision he shot fake eyelash glue at Emmett, gluing his eyes shut. Then he quickly dusted his eyes with "Midnight Sparkle Blue Eye Shadow" and was going to add more, but Emmett stopped that progress quickly, reaching out and grabbing Jasper in a headlock, while he unglued his eyelashes. Then he quickly put glitter and lip gloss on Jasper, and as he was adding the final touches he felt someone grab his ear, and saw Jasper's ear being grabbed as well.

The store manager, a little old lady, and probably about 50 years old pulled them both up. She looked sweet and kindly, but was marching them with the attitude of a Drill Sargent, and yelling about calling their parents with a voice to match. "Well! Neverin **all** my years of working here have I ever, EVER, seen such disgraceful behavior! Why you should be ashamed of yourselves! Why if my boys ever acted like you did, well I give them a whopping! Their asses would never be the same! Wouldn't be able to sit on them for a week, earliest! Why I have half a mind to put you boys over my knee and spank you myself! Teach you a lesson!" She reached a bench and pointed. "Now sit your fannies down, and if I hear so much as a peep form either one of you… Ohh-h-h-ooo!" and with a cackle that would have scared even Carlisle, she marched off with the fake phone number that the boys had given her.

Jasper and Emmett sat on the bench, waiting for her to come back. "What are we going to do?" Jasper whispered. "I have no clue- Wait a minute! I have no idea why I didn't think of it before!" exclaimed Emmett, "Cuz you're stupid! What is it?" asked Jasper, but before Emmett could reply, the woman marched up, shaking her fist. "Now, when I want to order Chinese food, I'll call Chin-Wang's China Train! What are your REAL phone numbers!?" "Power's!" Emmett whispered, and Jasper's eyes popped open, and he shook his head. Then the old lady stopped in mid sentence, and said "Awe, poor boysies! Did I scary-wary-ware you? Oops-a-diddles-lee-doodles! Now, off you go, but not before you let me give you a smoochie-woochie!" And after that surprising remark, she gave both boys a big slobbery kiss, and then waved to them as they walked out.

"Jasper, don't you think that was a little much?" Asked Emmett disgustedly, wiping off his mouth. "Well I panicked!" said Jasper defensively, "and I felt stupid for not thinking of it before!"

"Well you should have thought of it before!" yelled Emmett.

"Why do I always have to be the smart one?" Jasper yelled back.

"It's you power Dumb Ass!"

"So? And don't call me a Dumb Ass!"

"Why not? Who's gonna stop me?"

"I will! Uglyface!" and with that Jasper pushed Emmett into the fountain. "Oh yeah? Stupidhead!" said Emmett as he got out, and he pushed Jasper into the girls bathroom. As he heard shrieks and then what sounded like an old woman hitting Jasper with her purse, followed by one of those klaxon horns that paranoid old women carry around, to set off when they are being mugged. With a satisfied grin, Emmett went onto the second level, as he was running past the stores, he saw two familiar heads standing outside a hair saloon. He was about to stop and say hello, when he heard Jasper behind him, yelling obscenities. Instead he said, "Hey Bella, Hey Alice!" waving as he ran by. By then Jasper had pretty much caught up, but he stopped, kissed Alice on the cheek, and then roared "EMMETT CULLEN I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!" then he took off

As the pair walked out of the saloon they saw Emmett run by soaking wet, barefoot, wearing a skirt, and covered with makeup. He was closely followed by Jasper, whose face was also covered with makeup, he was covered with various vibrant colors of paint, and missing his shirt and a shoe. "Hey Bella, Hey Alice!" gasped Emmett, waving as he ran by. Jasper skidded to a stop, gave his wife a kiss on the cheek, roared "EMMETT CULLEN I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!" and then chased after him, leaving his wife behind shaking her head.

Emmett kept running, and he reached the mall theme park, he ran into the Hall of Mirrors, hoping that he could lose Jasper, but he was right behind him. They both kept running, but then one after the other they smacked into a mirror, thinking it was a hallway. As they got up, they took a good look at each other and themselves in the mirrors, then fell down laughing. When they both had finally calmed down, Jasper said "Wow, that was hilarious, and you know Emmett, today was actually kind of fun." "You're right, it was fun," replied Emmett " You aren't that bad Jasper, you almost kept up with me! Maybe next time I'll let you in on one of my adventures!" "Sounds like a plan," said Jasper grinning "Now all we have to do is sneak home without anyone noticing us!" "You're looking at the master of not being noticed!" said Emmett, pointing at himself. "Yeah sure," said Jasper rolling his eyes "Nobody notices the guy so tall he has to duck to get through doorways!"

Emmett and Jasper stood outside the house, looking for the quickest way in. All the lights were out, so they didn't think anyone was home, but Emmett still wanted to be "throughout" and sneak in through the window. They climbed up the trellis, which barely supported their weight, and then in through the window to see Esme walking down the stairs. She gave them the once over and then asked in a concerned voice, "Why are you wearing makeup? You're both **married**, to **women!**" The boys looked at each other and then said in unison "It's a **loooong** story!" and then bolted upstairs. As they ran Jasper hissed, "I thought you were the "**Master of Not Getting Noticed**?!"


End file.
